Hey there.  How are ya?  Good I hope. I'm about to share a few things. Take it as you may.

Yeah, I got a girlfriend. Yeah I'm happy. Yeah, things are going well. But can I honestly say it's love?

No, I can't. Can't really say that.

I'm in between like and love. I can't truly say I love Aeval. I like her yes, but love? Not so sure. It's more of a really strong like. That's what I feel towards Aeval. I've only truly loved once. And only once. The girl?

Aya.

Yes, I know. It looks really bad. I know what you're thinking. "BAKA! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

Said that to myself. But Cele and Aeval are (in Cele's case was) really strong likes. Aya was the only one I can say I loved. I know, I know. Don't start with me. Let me finish.

But what can I say? The months with Aya were the happiest ones I remember, but distance tore us apart. It became too much. She broke up with me, but we both cried. We still loved one another, but she felt it was for the best. We couldn't touch, and that meant more to us than words ever would. Actions always mean more than words.

There was a messy arguement afterwards, we fought bitterly. But we realized how stupid it was, and we reconciled. We remain best friends to this day.

But did I have second thoughts on letting her go?

I did. More than you would ever know.

Do you think things would be different under different circumstances?

I sometimes did. The "What ifs?" played in my head. If I could actually touch, would things have been different?

In my heart, I honestly believe that we would still be together if it wasn't for the distance between us. Well, I did anyway. It's silly to look back, but sometimes we learn by what the past shows us.

So what am I trying to learn you ask?

How I truly feel about Aeval.

There you have it. I'm looking at when I truly loved to see if I'm doing it now.

I'm not. To my shock, I'm only feeling a strong like. It's not love. And I'm starting to have second thoughts on the whole thing. It's not good. It's not going well with me inside. I really like Aeval, but I cannot love her. Or maybe I don't feel it yet.

Confusion knocks on my door.

Cele wants to be my friend again. She sorry for hurting me and treating me like I'm not a friend. I want to give her a second chance at being my friend, but....

Aeval and Cele are enemies.

If I do accept her friendship again, Aeval is gonna send me a questiong glance. She's gonna think something's going on (Aeval knows I used to like Cele) and get angry.

If I deny her friendship, it'll really hurt her, I can tell. And don't want to hurt anyone. It hurts me.

This is...a very confusing situation. I stand in the middle between to feuding girls. Help me...

Another thought I used to have is that if Aya and I met, would I be saying that I let her go still? Would I be able to fight off the old shards of love that I wiped off?

The answer was no. I would not be able to. Feelings would rush back to me, and I would be dying to get with her again.

Well, that's what my answer was a long time ago.

My past self bothers me. >.>;;;;

*whacks past Lazy*

OW! I forgot I was hitting myself. >.<;;;

But yeah, to sum it up...I've only loved Aya, Cele was a past like, and I only really like my new girlfriend Aeval.

Yeah...

Doesn't look too good. Maybe Aya can help me in the sanity line. I need treatment. >.<;;;;

Maybe I'm afraid to love after Aya. Or maybe I haven't met another I could love like I loved Aya.

But as I look as to how I felt about Aya and to how I feel about Aeval, the two don't match.

I loved Aya, I really like Aeval.

So what am I gonna do?

Only time and a good talk with Aya will tell....

She understands her nii-chan very well, maybe she can help me out....

See? I said her nii-chan, proof that I let go of her.

So get that out of your minds. I love Aya like a sister now. I ain't THAT confused. XD

Well, see ya!

Lazy, over and out!

Hello peeps. Another update after....uh....I dunno. Can't remember. I was in a funk for a while.  Might as well tell the story....

Well, I had met a girl named Celestria (not her actual name). We were cool. Talked all the time, hung out, and were close. I started developing feelings, and decided to say so.

Here we go.

She says she's not ready for a relationship. I go that's fine, I'll give you space to fix yourself. I offered to help her. She had a few problems, and I wanted to help be rid of them. That was the friend in me. I wanted to clear it up. Now remember, she knows how I feel.

Keep that in mind.

She then goes off and flirts with this other guy named Kuhu (not actual name), in front of me and knowing full well I like her. I have no problems with Kuhu. We get along fine. The flirting becomes more intense, all while I'm there and knowing how I feel. You can obviously see they have a thing.

I was hurt.

To rub salt in the wound, she says that he makes her happy and that they talk all the time. Go out too. Now, if you remember correctly, I said that she told me that she was not ready for a relationship. That was a lie. Also, she didn't even talk to me during this whole flirting and getting this guy. So I'm not much of a friend either.

I was devastated.

It was like my feeling didn't matter. Like I was important to be her friend.

It gets worse.

She changed. She became selfish and self-centered. It was like everything revolved around her and her new boyfriend. She wouldn't help anyone unless he helped or she got something from it. I was disgusted. I didn't know why I liked her, and stopped talking to her completely.

But things start to look up.

I met another girl named Aeval (not her real name) during my time of broken heart. We talked and she gave me comfort. She cheered me up because she was so cool. It was then that I started doing helping people with missions (we're playing a MMORPG) and I was mission leader. Celestria refused to help because she was too concerned about herself, and Aeval and our group finally got a person to help.

We succeeded in the missions, and everyone was happy. I was grinning, and everyone thanked me. Aeval however, thanked me the greatest, saying I had a good kind heart. She told me I meant a lot to her, and that this friendship she'll cherish. I wholeheartedly agreed. It made me smile when she told me. I was happy.

Some weeks later, Aeval and I still talk and hang out. I also have to friends named Temp and Hino (not real names, both guys) that are really cool. We hang out.

My net goes down for a week, and it turns out, they started their own group. They all got tired of Celestria and her self-centered attitude.

I join up with Aeval, Temp and Hino. We have some people, and we help each other.

But just 2 days ago, Aeval revealed that she had a big crush on me. I started to like her too, but I was afraid until she told me that. I told her how I felt as well, and now we've both happy.

I haven't talked to Celestria since, I still feel betrayed by her. Aeval has my full attention now, so whatever Celestria wants with me now has no importance. Cele should not have done what she did.

I really hope things go well for Aeval and me. ^^

Lazy, over and out!

Hey all. As I type this I'm cleaning the tears off my face. I just finished talking on a touchy subject. Which I'm gonna type here. Read if you like.

I resent my mother because she only comes around for special occasions and when I screw up. And I feel as though she has no damn right to fuss at me for my mistakes if she's hardly around. That's my dad's job, he's been with me for as long as I can remember. I mean come on, her Mother's Day gift is still in front of me. A sign that I hardly see her.

I resent that to my very core. I know she is my mother, and I love her for that, but I hate the fact that she is never there. I've always had to choose one or the other, not like everyone else in my family who has had both. They don't understand how I feel. I'm the only one like this.

It's always been like this. My prized possession is a picture of them both smiling before I was born. I want a picture of all three of us together, but it seems that's just not meant to happen. I want it, I dream about it, but it will never become real. Take it however you want, it's just a desire I have....

I love her as my mother, but I hate her because she is hardly around. I look for a mother who was never really there. It's a void I've had all my life. It...really is a bother.

But I've vowed to never to that to my child. Whoever the mother is, we WILL raise that child together. I don't want what happened to me to be passed down. I'll change that. Maybe that void I have will be filled when I have my own child. In any case, I know what I'll do.

Other than this, my life has been ok so far. Still have my friends, and everything is well.

Lazy, over and out!

Sup peeps. As you can see from my title, finals have hit me. I would prefer to not go throgh this but whatever. Gotta do what I gotta do. I just hate finals. They suck.

I have three this week. Today to Wednesday. But after Wednesday, the semester is over. No more of this crap. Summer break. But I might have to go to summer school tho. I need to catch up on my math before I can take more engineering classes. Calculus here I come...ugh. I was screwed out of that credit. I took it in high school.

Anyway, this will be over soon. And when it is, I'm taking a good Lazy-kun nap. LOL

Now, I've only told Wormy and Aya about Celestria, and both happen to think that's my next girlfriend. Are they seeing something I don't see? I mean, Aya said good luck and winked at me, and Wormy sent me a message saying is she my girlfriend yet. Honestly, we're really close friends. And we both happen to be single. It does NOT mean we'll end up hooking up! But there's always that possibility. GAH! Now Aya and Wormy have me thinking about that. Cele did say she really cared about me. Hehe, I care about her too. But where is this gonna go? I'll find out soon. I'll just relax and do what I've been doing. No reason to mess up now. Must keep cool.

Anyway, shoutout to Aya, Wormy and Celestria for being really cool! Great, I sound like I'm on the radio. Joy. Oh, Aya and Wormy, I will talk to you both soon. After Wednesday. I'll be taking tests and studying so I'll be busy. But after Wednesday is fair game. Expect conversation if you see me online. XD

Lazy, over and out!

GAH! I forgot how long it's been since I've updated. I'm horrible on updates.

Anyway, I worked 9 hours finishing a stupid financial project. Do I look like the man that has the money to even plan finances?! -.- J/K But I hate that project. Glad it's over.

I need to chat with Wormy again. She's a good friend of mine. And I miss the chats. I will catch you soon buddy!

I chatted with Aya the other day. That had to be one of the weirdest conversations formers can have. It was fun yes, we laughed yes, but I gave relationship advice, and it didn't hurt. It was amazing at the kinds of questions she asked that I actually answered with a smile. We're like brother and sister now, and in our hearts we see each other as best friends now. It's nice to see her so lively and open, which is completely different from the shy and quiet girl I met. She says it's a miracle I pulled off. XD

Oh, can't forget this, I have a friend named Celestria that text messages me everyday now. We text and laugh for hours on end. I've actually talked to her on the phone twice. She rocks. Now it's gotten to the point where she is so close that it doesn't feel right to NOT receive anything from her. We're really close as of now, but I don't know where this friendship will go....

Anyway, it's been all good so far. So I'll see ya later!

Lazy, over and out!

Hey all, another chapter in my life. Be excited that I'm updating again! I guess...

Ugh...I got too much happening to me right now...I take care of my grandmother sometimes on top of college and Saturday work and I still have things to sort out. I also find this amazing because out of everyone I know, only two people have really lent me an ear. Wormy and Hiro, God bless their souls. I would say Aya but she always claims to have to go to sleep of have parents come after her so I can't say much. I wanted to talk to her longer but it seems she always has to leave before I can really start.

It's really amazing because I help everyone when the fall down but when I fall down no one is really around. I found two people out of everyone I know who will talk to me when I need it. Friends are awesome I tell ya. Some are never there when you need them. Ain't that a bitch. Wonderful huh?

Don't worry tho, I'll be fine eventually, I'll be fixed up soon! That's what I used to say because I THOUGHT I had more than two people to help me. I guess I was fucking wrong. I've lost faith in everyone except Wormy and Hiro. Sad huh? I thought more would help me when I needed it.

Well, enough of my ranting. I think I'll give in to my darkness and insanity, no one really cares. It shows by those who actually care to help me. I've held this for long enough. Wormy and Hiro can only do so much. It's Aya who is part of my problem but she'snever on long enough. Wormy keeps my head together during this time but Aya is the one I need to sort this out and KILL this problem. Wormy keeps me in line, and I am thankful for that. But I might end up giving into this darkness that I've held for so long....

But I've learned that some of your friends are really never around when you need them (well, I've been known that). No matter, if I give into this madness they'll care then huh?!

Anyway, I'm out, time to go attempt to cheer up again.

Lazy, over and out!

Ugh...I'm updating...and man I'm confused as hell. My Spring Break was OK. I got to sleep and do whatever the hell I wanted, that's never bad.

I have now gotten myself into a situation where I am confused and hurt at the same time. I talked to Aya the other day and she said she loved me. She said it was in a different way, but she brought up our song and old memories and I wonder...was that intentional? The way she explained it and the memories she brought up conflict...big time. I'm not going to assume anything, but things conflict here. I'll let her deal with it. I don't want to assume and be wrong. I mean, she says she loves me as a friend...but the memories she brings up are when we were lovers. But...I'm not assuming anything. Don't wanna be wrong. This angel has a set of black wings, representing my pain, sorrow and broken heart.*sighs*

On a happier note, I talked to Wormy, she always keeps me in high spirits. What a wonderful friend to have in her. Oh yeah, can't forget about Hiro-kun either. He's cool. They both cheer me up when I'm down. I need to talk to them again. They're funny.

On FFXI, I'm a lvl 40 Ranger now. I'm working on my Ninja scrolls. Damn those scrolls. Well, and I need gil too, so I'll be farming. *sighs* This better be worth it. This is too much work, and I'm lazy. XD I also have three new close friends on FFXI, Alyscia, Celestria and Silena. All three are crazy. LOL. They help me laugh too.

Well, that's all I got.

Lazy, over and out!

 

Grrrr...I've been bored a little over the past few days.

My classes suck. They're boring as hell. More boing than usual.

I really haven't seen none of my friends on messengers. It's like once HD! moved I lost contact.

But I have been playing FFXI tho. My ranger is 36 now. YAYS! So that's fun. Very nice.

But I stil miss my friends on messengers. I really haven't seen them. I really want to tho.

But this will change soon. I'll see them all in due time.

Short entry, I really have nothing exciting to say.

Lazy, over and out!

OK.  Another entry for you people. Cuz I love ya. Really, I do. XD

On Friday I talked to Ezri, which was really cool. (was that Friday? My memory is bad. >.>;;) It was cool. She's mah twin. We have the exact same birthday and age. That is truly awesome.

On Saturday I had no work. It rained (YAYS!). So I talked to Aya for the whole morning. That had to be one of the funniest and most interesting convos I have ever had with her. It was really fun. I was so glad to miss work for that. But I haven't seen her since. Or Ezri for that matter.

Wormy, I need to catch you soon. I miss chatting with you buddy. You're really like a big sister to me. You even tell me to go to bed. XD

I discovered this neat thing called Johari Windows. They let people show what they think of you from a select choice of words. So far, four people have done mine and all of the results are different. Some chose the same one or two words, but they were all really different. It's really cool. Anyway, here's the address to mine!

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Lazy-kun

There it is! So check it out please! Thanks.

I really haven't been doing much, college has been ruling my life. For now. I'll break free soon enough. LOL

Anyway, that's all I got!

Lazy, over and out!

 

Hello! I haven't updated in a long time, so I really have no idea where to start. Oh, good news of course!

Aya and I are friends again. Don't look at me like that. We talked and were able to resolve this mess. So now we're like brother and sister. I think. Or just flirts, I can't decide. We do both. Don't even ask me why. I don't know my damn self.

My comp fried AGAIN for some reason. Had to reinstall all that crap again. I swear I need a new laptop....

I've won the award for wildest male at HD!. We had a Room 214 thread, which was an anything goes thread. I acted a damn fool. But the old server went down so...*cries*

Wormy is still one of my best friends. Nothing changed there.

Life is enerally good right now. Can't complain.

Lazy, over and out!